Yacht Week
I can only really watch this twice in a row before breaking into a cold sweat, crying all over the place and sputtering out an incoherent tirade to my cleaning lady. It's painful to watch these beautiful, talented, youths throwing their lives away to the open sea. It's all they can do but to dawn a smile every so often, like ephemeral attempts to punctuate an existence of true monotony. The constant rumble of the engine (when your in the engine room), the nagging of the crew with their incessant asking if you need something (yes I do...jump overboard), or the, ever so tedious, "Phillip?! Your father is on line two. He wants to makes sure your having a good time" phone call. It's all a formula for a psychological conundrum. When the boat is in the water the possibility of it sinking hangs over the yout head like an ominous cloud of suffrage. What of the eminent acquisition of a pirate hooker? With so many foreign waters, and so many nights of intoxicated ecstasy, a pirate hooker is bound to manipulate and slither her way onto the boat without anyone heeding the warning "consider with grave concern!" tattooed on her asshole. These Pirate Hookers can emotionally whisk you into happy la la land, and without a second thought, CHEAT ON YOU WITH THE SECOND MATE LIKE A LITTLE DRAGON SLUT! Yacht Week can be a real hardship sometimes.
If you come across someone who has attended Yacht Week, or is planning to, make sure you take the time to just stop and ask them " Hey broseidon, how ya doing?" It means a lot. Who knows....Maybe you will save an undeserving someone from the demon claws and tumultuous black magic of a cunt face pirate hooker.
With love,
Capt. W
Little Miss Awesome
She's like 6, relax. Anyway, in my travels, I have seen many things, but nothing more entertaining that Little Miss Perfect.
Shot on location in "never heard of her" America, Little Miss Perfect is the holy grail of reality TV. Each episode follows a group of child pageant stars through the trials and tribulations of bringin' home the bacon. In August, I spent three sleepless days keeping up with a LMP marathon. I woke up on the 4th day with hair curlers clamped to my balls and a tube of lip gloss stuck in my ear. Like other reality TV shows, LMP relies on drama to hit me in the face, throw a bag over my head and toss me into an unmarked van (K3). UNLIKE other reality shows, the drama is brought on by "pageant moms" hopped up on Slim-Fast. I was constantly hearing phrases like "come on, we got this," or "this is what we worked for, now lets go get it." If that's not entertainment in the form of socialism, I don't know what is.
Gypsy Poison
Location: Austin, TX
Mission: Rage at Austin City Limits
Subplot: Fight the infectious world of the gypsy
Sometimes if we're lucky enough we'll have a moment of clarity in life. My moment of clarity came at a time in my life when I was doing much thinking about the human struggle. It has become clear to me that there are two kinds of people in this world: people connected to the vibe and moving along with the current of society and gypsies.
If one finds himself disconnected from the vibe, it may only be a temporary gypsy takeover (curse), best not to panic, but to recognize poisonous occupation and follow these instru
ctions :
1. Recognizing the problem is half the battle. Once you acknowledge that the gypsy infection is very real, you've already won. Gypsies will do whatever they can to disguise themselves, they are as inconspicuous as they are dangerous.
2. A gypsy will never confirm or deny that they are in fact a gypsy, this is the easiest way to spot a gypsy. Ask the suspected gypsy pointblank, "are you a gypsy?" if the creature says, "Yes" or "No" they are not a gypsy. If they choose to ignore the question that is a clear sign of a gypsy. Once a gypsy has been outed do not be surprised if they act strange, being self conscious or being made self aware by the question releases an acid discharge from the gypsy heart which courses through the veins, once it reaches the brain stem the gypsy goes numb and begins recomposing itself.
3. Gypsies are poisonous. You'll know that you've been touched by a gypsy when you feel that rotting inside your stomach. As if bile were mixing with cottage cheese deep inside you. As long as the reaction is purely physical and not mental you're in good shape, but once the curse reaches your psyche, it will take a real conscious effort to shake the gypsy curse. Easiest ways to get rid of a real curse: drink gypsy tears, alternate hot and cold water in the shower for 7 hours, or eat only apple for two weeks.
This Week's Top Ten Notable Gypsies:
1. Osama Bin Laden, Terrorist
2. Nancy Pelosi, Politician
3. Rafael Nadal, Athlete
4. The Kardashian Family, Entertainment/Prostitution
5. Andrew Cuomo, Politician
6. Lou Holtz, Retired Football Coach
7. Helen Mirren, Actress
8. Alex Rodriguez, Athlete
9. Denise Richards, Actress
10. Miley Cyrus, Musician (sorta)
Mission: Rage at Austin City Limits
Subplot: Fight the infectious world of the gypsy
Sometimes if we're lucky enough we'll have a moment of clarity in life. My moment of clarity came at a time in my life when I was doing much thinking about the human struggle. It has become clear to me that there are two kinds of people in this world: people connected to the vibe and moving along with the current of society and gypsies.
If one finds himself disconnected from the vibe, it may only be a temporary gypsy takeover (curse), best not to panic, but to recognize poisonous occupation and follow these instru
ctions :1. Recognizing the problem is half the battle. Once you acknowledge that the gypsy infection is very real, you've already won. Gypsies will do whatever they can to disguise themselves, they are as inconspicuous as they are dangerous.
2. A gypsy will never confirm or deny that they are in fact a gypsy, this is the easiest way to spot a gypsy. Ask the suspected gypsy pointblank, "are you a gypsy?" if the creature says, "Yes" or "No" they are not a gypsy. If they choose to ignore the question that is a clear sign of a gypsy. Once a gypsy has been outed do not be surprised if they act strange, being self conscious or being made self aware by the question releases an acid discharge from the gypsy heart which courses through the veins, once it reaches the brain stem the gypsy goes numb and begins recomposing itself.
3. Gypsies are poisonous. You'll know that you've been touched by a gypsy when you feel that rotting inside your stomach. As if bile were mixing with cottage cheese deep inside you. As long as the reaction is purely physical and not mental you're in good shape, but once the curse reaches your psyche, it will take a real conscious effort to shake the gypsy curse. Easiest ways to get rid of a real curse: drink gypsy tears, alternate hot and cold water in the shower for 7 hours, or eat only apple for two weeks.
This Week's Top Ten Notable Gypsies:
1. Osama Bin Laden, Terrorist
2. Nancy Pelosi, Politician
3. Rafael Nadal, Athlete
4. The Kardashian Family, Entertainment/Prostitution
5. Andrew Cuomo, Politician
6. Lou Holtz, Retired Football Coach
7. Helen Mirren, Actress
8. Alex Rodriguez, Athlete
9. Denise Richards, Actress
10. Miley Cyrus, Musician (sorta)
Can You Afford This?
72,000 stimulus payments go to dead people.
Stephen Ohlemacher, Associated Press Writer – Thu Oct 7, 4:19 pm ET WASHINGTON – A government investigator says 89,000 stimulus payments of $250 each went to people who were either dead or in prison.
The Social Security Administration's inspector general said in a report Thursday that $18 million went to 72,000 people who were dead. The report estimates that a little more than half the payments were returned.
The report said $4.3 million went to a little more than 17,000 prison inmates.
The payments were part of the government's massive economic recovery package enacted in February 2009. Under the law, the $250 payments were sent to about 52 million Social Security recipients and federal retirees.
I can barely afford the bare necessities to keep perpetuating my becoming addictions and some asshole wrote a check to nearly 100 thousands dead mother fuckers and to 17 thousand boners in prison? I just want to know how this gets fucked up? Maybe I'm being ignorant. I don't know what goes on in the finical wings of the government. Maybe the dude signing checks that week had a bad day and just didn't notice that 89,000 stimulus recipients were zeros! I don't know, but at the same time I don't think anyone is going to tell me, but im pretty sure I know what happend. It's pretty apparent that this is the only way something like this could happen. There is absolutely no other way of explaining it in layman's terms.
The guy signing the checks was clearly incepted. One of the people presumed dead was actually alive and well, sharing a duplex with Tu Pac in Turks and Caicos. He decided he wanted what was due to him. Who wouldn't? Alive or presumed dead your going to feel the effects of the suffering global economy and anything to cushion the blow is a huge help. So this guy hires another rouge jahmoke who just happens to be really good at creeping into your dreams and your dreams dreams and tricking you into dreaming something that you dreamed, but he helped you dream it. This jahmoke is instructed to to creep his way into the mind of the check signer and plant this little idea egg that every one with a last name starting with the letters SLY will get a stimulus check, no matter their current citizen status. He does it and now the check signer just wrote the dude sharing the duplex with a Tu Pac (Jeff Slycte) a $250 check. MISSION FUCKING ACCOMPLISHED! SHA BOOM MOTHER FUCKERS!
Love,
Capt. W
Stephen Ohlemacher, Associated Press Writer – Thu Oct 7, 4:19 pm ET WASHINGTON – A government investigator says 89,000 stimulus payments of $250 each went to people who were either dead or in prison.
The Social Security Administration's inspector general said in a report Thursday that $18 million went to 72,000 people who were dead. The report estimates that a little more than half the payments were returned.
The report said $4.3 million went to a little more than 17,000 prison inmates.
The payments were part of the government's massive economic recovery package enacted in February 2009. Under the law, the $250 payments were sent to about 52 million Social Security recipients and federal retirees.
I can barely afford the bare necessities to keep perpetuating my becoming addictions and some asshole wrote a check to nearly 100 thousands dead mother fuckers and to 17 thousand boners in prison? I just want to know how this gets fucked up? Maybe I'm being ignorant. I don't know what goes on in the finical wings of the government. Maybe the dude signing checks that week had a bad day and just didn't notice that 89,000 stimulus recipients were zeros! I don't know, but at the same time I don't think anyone is going to tell me, but im pretty sure I know what happend. It's pretty apparent that this is the only way something like this could happen. There is absolutely no other way of explaining it in layman's terms.
The guy signing the checks was clearly incepted. One of the people presumed dead was actually alive and well, sharing a duplex with Tu Pac in Turks and Caicos. He decided he wanted what was due to him. Who wouldn't? Alive or presumed dead your going to feel the effects of the suffering global economy and anything to cushion the blow is a huge help. So this guy hires another rouge jahmoke who just happens to be really good at creeping into your dreams and your dreams dreams and tricking you into dreaming something that you dreamed, but he helped you dream it. This jahmoke is instructed to to creep his way into the mind of the check signer and plant this little idea egg that every one with a last name starting with the letters SLY will get a stimulus check, no matter their current citizen status. He does it and now the check signer just wrote the dude sharing the duplex with a Tu Pac (Jeff Slycte) a $250 check. MISSION FUCKING ACCOMPLISHED! SHA BOOM MOTHER FUCKERS!
Love,
Capt. W
Blog Bitch 1
My first Blog Bitch of the Week will be simple and concise- FUCK YOU GLEE! I recently subjected myself to a viewing of this, award winning, Fox Studio's Musical production , that contains absolutely zero original material, and vomited into a nearby sports themed hat. The Beatles "I Want to Hold Your Hand" cover offended my very being. They took a breakthrough Rock n' Roll song of distorted guitars, gritty vocals, and get- high attitude, and BUTT FUCKED IT! The nauseating falsetto vocals and rolling violins made me face punch a child! I cannot stand the idea that American youth and aspiring young peoples are hearing these arranged queef noises without hearing the original track.
I by no means am trying to come across as an accomplished music critic, but am submitting my plea.
To: Glee Cast and Writers,
Please stop riding off the coat tails of the greats. I am begging you to stop furthering yourselves by re-recording songs I grew up with and love, and defeating their purpose of existing by using your perverse styles of interpretation. You give me cancer.
Everytime 'Glee' re-makes a song a child is diagnosed with influenza.
With Love,
Cap. W
Take refuge from the Monster Rain
Welcome home...
Don't step outside, theres a 50% chance of Monster Rain.
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