There is an elementary school in my neighborhood, owned and operated by the university, which is a clear mind-fuck, to lock kids in our system from ages 3 through 22. Every afternoon the kids are tethered together with rope like some sort of stupid human centipede, and paraded around our block by a bunch of immature 30-something year old bitches on a power trip to re-create their own shitty childhoods.So I am sitting on my front porch, throwing rocks at these kids, wondering what would happen if I tied a bunch of their teachers together and made them take that walk of shame around the block. I cannot for the life of me, imagine why they would want all of these poor children tethered together. What if one kid walks into the street and gets hit by a car? All the rest of those kids are toast! What if I hit one of those kids in the back of the head with THIS rock? DOMINOES!!! But I digress. Here I am, enjoying a beer, throwing rocks, and a long black limousine with two Nigerian flags on its hood, pulls up in front of my house. I could tell by the sound of the Deadmou5/Mozart mega mix coming from the limo, whoever was inside was rich and down to party. I watch as this guy gets out of the limo:
WHAT A HOMMIE!!! So as you would imagine, I couldn't even contain my capitalism boner when he flipped his limo driver (obviously on an absurd retainer) a bag of buffalo nickels and instructed the man to go buy him a DoubleDown at KFC. As he strolled up the walkway to my house, I began to rack my brain. Who do I still owe money? Have I spoke poorly about the Nigerian IP addresses that frequently visit this site? Where is my Louisville Slugger? Too late, the man, who introduced himself as "Mr. Willus," had breached what I like to call "Mr. Hustle's bubble of security," with a hug and a firm handshake...
...Rewind to early January...
For some reason I decided to reply to one of those classic 419 scams on the gut instinct that not all Nigerians falsely represent themselves as the legal consult of a former billionaire military general who passed away in battle. I mean, give me a break, the late general had to have at least one lawyer, they can't ALL be lying. Call me a betting man, but maybe this was legit! All I did was give him access to the sizable trust fund I bought at Damariscotta Bank & Trust!
...Cut to present day...
Mr. Willus reveals to me that he is indeed who he says to be and that if I can simply authorize the transfer of $10,000 to his account, my funds (estimated at $7.4 million) would be instantly deposited in my trust fund. I took a deep breath and called my accountant. Minutes later, Mr. Willus instructed me to input our secret 4 digit code into his iPad. I looked on, James Bond style, as my account total climbed towards $7.4 million. It is at this point that I realize, FUCK, I AM RICH!!!
The rest of the day was pretty standard. Mr. Willus and I ate Double Downs in "fuck-you-amounts," and talked about what we would do with our new-found wealth. He expressed his predilection for white women, against which I had no argument. The natural progression of the conversation found us at a strip club, making it rain on ho's with the aforementioned stash of buffalo nickels. Alas, the fun had to end somewhere, and as I watched his limo pull away from my house, I couldn't help but wish that "Silly Willy," as I had come to know him, would stay here, stateside, working as my personal lawyer. Unfortunately, someone has to represent all rich people in Nigeria, and it simply wouldn't be fair to take that away from those fine people.
So here's to Silly Willy, and if you ever get an email from an anonymous Nigerian, quit being such a typical close minded American, and send that dude what he is asking for, and maybe, just maybe, you will soon be housing Double Downs and swiping buffalo nickels at Platinum Plus with your new friends.
FUCK OLD MONEY.
...Rewind to early January...
For some reason I decided to reply to one of those classic 419 scams on the gut instinct that not all Nigerians falsely represent themselves as the legal consult of a former billionaire military general who passed away in battle. I mean, give me a break, the late general had to have at least one lawyer, they can't ALL be lying. Call me a betting man, but maybe this was legit! All I did was give him access to the sizable trust fund I bought at Damariscotta Bank & Trust!...Cut to present day...
Mr. Willus reveals to me that he is indeed who he says to be and that if I can simply authorize the transfer of $10,000 to his account, my funds (estimated at $7.4 million) would be instantly deposited in my trust fund. I took a deep breath and called my accountant. Minutes later, Mr. Willus instructed me to input our secret 4 digit code into his iPad. I looked on, James Bond style, as my account total climbed towards $7.4 million. It is at this point that I realize, FUCK, I AM RICH!!!
The rest of the day was pretty standard. Mr. Willus and I ate Double Downs in "fuck-you-amounts," and talked about what we would do with our new-found wealth. He expressed his predilection for white women, against which I had no argument. The natural progression of the conversation found us at a strip club, making it rain on ho's with the aforementioned stash of buffalo nickels. Alas, the fun had to end somewhere, and as I watched his limo pull away from my house, I couldn't help but wish that "Silly Willy," as I had come to know him, would stay here, stateside, working as my personal lawyer. Unfortunately, someone has to represent all rich people in Nigeria, and it simply wouldn't be fair to take that away from those fine people.
So here's to Silly Willy, and if you ever get an email from an anonymous Nigerian, quit being such a typical close minded American, and send that dude what he is asking for, and maybe, just maybe, you will soon be housing Double Downs and swiping buffalo nickels at Platinum Plus with your new friends.FUCK OLD MONEY.
0 comments:
Post a Comment